Reborn....

I am back, and I am better than ever! Have I lost all the weight? Nah. I actually gained it all back and then some. Did I hit the lottery? I wish. Am I through with college? Nope, still about 10 months to go. So why do I feel so damn happy? Because I have had an awakening. It is as if all the information I have taken in over the years is finally clicking together! I have this whole new understanding of my body, my mind, and my health. Where did this come from? I don't know. One morning it was just there. I feel free and happy, like I have never felt before! Screw diets and agony and shame! I refuse to put myself through that shit for one more minute! I now have an understanding of food and its purpose; I understand what my body needs. I hate to sound like a hippy, but after years of seeing food as the enemy, I am now one with my body's nutritional needs. Ok, that totally sounds like I just came off the hookah pipe. Let me put it a better way: I now have a clearer vision of what foods I need, what my body needs, and what I really can do without. The body is not unlike a car. It needs the right fuel to run properly. It needs maintenance. Healthy food is fuel. I have to put "fuel" in my "engine" to go anywhere, right? Well, putting junk food into my "engine" is like trying to run an actual car on something other than the proper fuel. I can put anything in my car's gas tank, but only gasoline will make it run. Just the same, I can put anything in my body's gas tank (my stomach), but only good healthy food will make it run properly. Junk food is not fuel. Soda is not fuel. Excess carbs, excess sodium, and saturated/trans fats are not fuel. Also, I have always based what I eat on tastes. Does it taste good? Is it cheesy or salty? Well, now I need to learn that taste should not be the deciding factor in what I consume. True, I want my food to taste good; but if I crave cheese I can get by with a low fat serving of real cheese (not that processed American crap) instead of downing an entire pizza. Yes, I have done that. With my head hung low in shame, I admit to scarfing down entire pizzas on my own. The thought of it makes me sick. So why did I do it? Because I was depressed, I was trying to soothe myself the only way I knew how, and I wanted the instant gratification of the cheesy gooeyness. I now understand that when we train ourselves to see a certain food as a reward, it releases serotonin in our brains. This is the so-called "happy chemical" that makes us feel good. My brain saw pizza as a way to boost my mood; however, after eating I always felt gross and fat. How did my mind try to boost my mood again? With junk food! It was a never ending cycle! Well, now I am breaking that cycle. I will retrain my brain to enjoy good food. I will not pollute my body with needless junk. I am starting anew. Do I want to get skinny? You bet I do. Is that my main focus these days? Certainly not. I want to be healthy. I want to lower my blood pressure before I end up on meds like my mom and my grandpa. I want to avoid diabetes, which runs on both sides of my family. I want to feel good in my skin. If I get skinny along the way, great. I just want to be healthy and happy! So, here I go again, only now I am on a new path. I do hope you will join me once more! :)


The first step is the hardest. My friends will see this. Here comes the brutal honesty: I weigh 262 lbs. There. I said it. It is out there for all to know. This is not the heaviest I have ever been, but it is close. I am only going down from here!