One of those days.....

OK, so here I am at the end of day two. Did I exercise? No. But I also didn't over eat. At least, I don't think I did. Well...maybe I did. I actually slept in, so I missed breakfast. Then I was busy and didn't eat lunch. I had like a glass of soda and that is it. So when I made dinner tonight, I used that handy old fat girl logic: "I didn't eat a thing all day, so I can indulge now with no guilt." Yeah, right. So I saved up all 1200 allotted calories today. I most likely consumed 2000 or more at dinner. Why do I always do that? Just because I skipped a meal or two doesn't mean I should scarf down a linebacker's serving for dinner. Now I get to go to bed in a little while feeling like I have a brick in my stomach. Ugh. I am such a dumb ass. I don't recommend skipping meals, but when I miss one I shouldn't make up for it later. I should just consider myself slightly ahead of the game. But instead I have to go all "fat hog" and eat like there's no tomorrow. Well, maybe now is the time to learn from my mistakes. Tomorrow, I plan to begin my exercise regimen. Again. For real this time. Therefore, I may be making my next post from a traction bed. We'll see. Until then....

As I waddle to the starting line.....

Hefty. Husky. Pudgy. FAT! Yup, that would be me. I wasn't always this way. I mean, I was never a size 2; but I was atheletic at some point. I danced, played sports, looked good in my clothes. So what happened? Some people have medical issues, some have psychological issues. Not me. I just got lazy. I like to eat and I got lazy. I quit smoking and replaced nicotine with food. I was too lazy to learn an effective way to deal with stress other than eating. No one admits that these days. No one says they are lazy; everyone has some other reason. Everyone seems to blame society or their spouse or their ex or their parents, etc. Nope, I am just plain old lazy. I got fat because I chose food and relaxation over being healthy. I used to enjoy sports. Now I enjoy sitting on my couch sucking down Doritos. At one time I was a terrific dancer on a championship team. Now I get winded checking the mail. For godsake I wear my husband's clothes because mine don't fit anymore! The other day some kid mistook me for a man. I have lost my femininity! I look like hot mess. I have rolls, stretch marks, back fat. BACK FAT. (dear hell!) I don't like being fat, so why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do any of us? For you, it may be something deep and debilitating. I wish you luck with that. For me, it is just a lack of motivation. So now I have decided to try to get motivated. You can come with me if you want. I don't mind. Just be prepared for honesty. I am well past the point of sugar coating things for myself. I used to say "Oh, I'm just retaining water." or "I still look ok to be so big." Well, now I see myself as others do. It took a lot of years to be able to do that. I no longer wear the blinders that allow me to see myself as I was 10 years ago. No, now I see the fat me. The REAL me. I am fat, frumpy, lazy, and kind of disgusting. No, don't correct me. Don't tell me to "love myself" or any of that crap. I DO love myself; that is why I have to be honest. I'm all for tough love, not watered down sympathetic bullshit. I am fat. I look terrible. I feel like hammered shit. I need to change. I don't need to find the "strength within"; I need to find the skinny person that is trapped under all this fat! Like the blog title says, I'm in here somewhere. It is time to get real. It is time to get my fat ass up off that couch and stop making excuses. It is time to pay attention to what I eat and how much and why. I have been battling my weight for years. I have always been unsuccessful. Until now. I am fed up. I am tired of hating my body. I am ready to wage war against my laziness. I can do this. Game on!