Still kicking.....literally.....

I am still vegan. Never felt better! I began a new workout tonight. It is the Turbo Jam thing I tried a few months back. It is 20 minutes of cardio, then about 20 minutes of fat burning/strength training. It hurts already. All those kicks made my glutes sore! But it felt great to sweat and be healthy! I am now down to 244 lbs! That is 24 lbs lost from my heaviest of 268! All this came off after I went vegan. (yes, I had gained back what I lost previously. sue me.) Perhaps we should all give up meat and dairy! By the way, today begins World Vegan Month! Go to WorldVeganDay.org to learn more! I am off to shower. No matter where you are reading this from, I bet you can smell me. Ugh. Time to go wash. Until next time....

Just a quickie....

Just a short blurb to let you know I am doing great! I am still vegan, and I am now down 13 pounds without starving, depriving, or even exercising! (I do intend to exercise, though) Oh, remember that dreaded old belt of mine that wouldn't even meet around my huge gut? It fits now. I can't buckle it, but it fits all the way around me! Isn't that awesome? I told you I would get back into it! I've been rereading my copy of Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. It has a lot of great info in it for veggies and vegans. Anyway, I am happy as hell, I eat like a pig (seriously!) and I am losing weight! I mean, I totally hogged out on a vegan burrito tonight. No lard or goop, just beans, brown rice, vegan sour cream, red enchilada sauce, and seasoning. Very awesome and actually healthy. I'm liking this vegan thing. And by the way, vegetables totally rock! Especially spinach. Mmmmm!

This ain't no diet....

OK, sorry to have been MIA for so long. I have made a lifestyle change that I am very pleased with: I am now a vegan. Before you start, no I don't throw red paint on fur wearers and no this isn't just an animal rights thing. I did this for my own health. I have learned a lot lately about what meat and dairy does to your body. It is actually quite disgusting! I don't want animal fats, excess proteins or mineral, or any other gross thing in my body. I have been vegan for one week now and I feel great! I'm not bloated, I have dropped 6 pounds without even trying, I am eating delicious healthy food, my acid reflux is gone, I am sleeping better....the benefits are truly amazing! Am I trying to convert the world? No. (well, maybe my hubby. the rest of you can do what you like.) I just feel like my eyes have been opened for the first time ever. We consume meat and dairy because we are taught to from birth. It is all we know. It never occurred to any of us that it may not be the right thing to do. Do yourself a favor: watch two documentaries entitled "Food, Inc." and "Change Your Food, Change Your Life" and see what I am talking about! Anyway, I am not on a diet. I am eating what any human should. I do not need, nor do I want, meat or dairy or any other animal product. I feel great! I look great! This is awesome!

I ain't dead yet....

Ok, so I'm a real shit blogger as of late. I had finals. Forgive me. (of course I passed. who do you think you're talking to?) Anyway, my mom got onto me today about not keeping up the blog, and she is right. I need to catch you guys up on my adventure. So far I am down about 14 pounds. I have lowered my sodium intake and significantly lowered my blood pressure. Yay me! Now my focus is going to be on maintaining the low sodium and also losing more weight. You know, lower calories, less fat, more exercise. Lately the weather here has been hotter than the 10th level of hell, so I am working out indoors. I like that. Air conditioning rocks! I am starting slow and working my way up to the fast paced stuff. I feel good right now, with my weight loss and improving health. I am also impressed with myself. My recent stress over finals did not result in a massive gain, as it has in the past. Also, I attended my family reunion today and got comments on my weight loss! I even managed to skip the dessert table entirely! That is a first for me! I didn't even eat a whole plate of food. I ate about half, and felt full. No more gorging myself like I used to. I really felt good today. Not great, but good. For now I am satisfied with good. Great will come when I am under the 200 mark. Until then, I am keeping with my new regimen and I am reaping the benefits! Sorry I was absent for a spell. I am back now and ready to tackle this weight thing! Come on, let's get to it! I survived my family reunion. I can do anything! LOL!

Still at it....

I am still going strong! I have had a few weak moments where I really wanted to throw in the towel and pig out, but I reminded myself how good I feel lately, and how much hard work I have put into this. Why piss it all away for a craving? Screw that! I am sticking to this! Besides, I am finding out that there are foods that are so damn good and I never even thought about them before. Sweet potatoes are a biggie. These things are so freaking tasty, and it really feels like cheating but it isn't. I love to smother one in the cal/fat/sodium/carb free butter spray I found and go to town! The spray is made by I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Their tub butters have sodium and calories and such, but this stuff has nothing. It is 100% guilt free! It also tastes better than butter, I think. I guess the tubs have junk in them because they need to stay solid or whatever. I love this spray! I have noticed that after eating healthy, I feel so damn good! Not like when I used to stuff my face for the instant gratification and then feel like hammered shit the rest of the day. I woke up with energy this morning. I still have it. I don't feel sluggish or bloated. As soon as it cools off a bit outside, I am going walking. This feeling is one I long felt was unattainable. Now I am vibrant and optimistic about losing weight. I feel pretty damn fantastic! I have lost 11 pounds, and about 4.5 inches off my waist. I am determined to keep going. I am finding great foods to enjoy, and everything tastes a little better when it is not drowned in salt. (Did I, the salt queen, just utter that?) There is hope for this fat girl yet! :)

Amazed.....

Well, I am still on track! I kid you not, I am already down 11 pounds! I was like "Holy shit!!!!" when I weighed today. I know it is probably mostly water weight and such, but damn that is a big number! I am currently taking in between 1200 and 1300 calories daily, and I managed to get my sodium intake down to about 1200mg daily. I have found some great sodium-free alternatives. Salt substitute for my food, butter spray, fruit (duh, right?). I also am in love with the low sodium sweet potato chips! Only 10mg per serving, which is about 17 chips. Plenty for a good snack. I never knew sweet potatoes were so magical. Healthy is an understatement. They also taste like they should be bad for you because it is like dessert or something. Yummy! In my search for low sodium goodness, I have found that there is a severe shortage of choices around here. Leave it to the damn countrified south to load up on salt and fat and limit our choices for sodium free groceries! I know that other places, bigger cities, have a vast array of healthy foods available. Not here. It is so sad to walk around the local grocery store and see the crap they sell in lieu of health food. Yuck! I see the world with new eyes. No longer do I look at sticky, gooey bakery items and drool. Now I think "Why in the hell do we eat that shit?" Most things people seem to buy these days are either pure sugar or pure fat! I now notice people and what they have in their carts; what they're feeding their kids. It is disgusting. No wonder our country is so fat! Now that I am watching my sodium levels, I am amazed at how much sodium is actually in our food! We are killing our bodies! Even so-called "healthy" things like soup and lean cuisines and even milk is loaded with it! Just because something is labeled as healthy doesn't mean it actually is. For example,all the microwave meals in the diet aisle have enough sodium to bloat you like a balloon and ruin you day! Weight Watchers, Michelina's, Lean Cuisine....you name it. They all have a minimum of 550mg of sodium! The daily average should be around 1000 to 2000mg, not to exceed 3000mg. If you take in 600mg just at lunch, then with all your meals together I guarantee you are way over the limit! Then you get bloated and yucky. How is that healthy? We often mistake convenience for goodness. Microwave meals might be quick, but then again so is biting a cow's ass. I bet you'd rather take the time to cut and cook a steak, though, right? Take the time to cook a small meal. Don't rely on the food companies to do it for you. They want your money. They don't give a shit about your health. Don't believe me? Still think Subway loves you? Then why do they list all their "healthy" subs right next to a huge sign that urges you to put more peperoni on everything? Peperoni is just fat. Period. Nothing healthy about it. Subway and all those lean meal companies can go suck an egg. I will cook my own meals, measure my own portions, and control my own life. Thank you. (I think that rant may have burned about 15 calories. LOL!)

The dreaded "Day 2".....

I think the 2ND day is always the hardest. Most say the 1ST. Nope. That is the day you are full of pride and intention. The next day, it begins to wane a bit. The new wears off and you realize this is going to take a lot of work. Well, I am not afraid of a little hard work. I have successfully lowered my sodium intake as well as calories and fat. I have managed to be consistent with my exercise, which means I went walking again today instead of coming home and flopping down on the couch. (Oh, comfy couch! How you taunt me!) My blood pressure has come down as well. I went from hypertension range to pre-hypertension range. That was awesome! Perhaps I will live to see the fall semester. I realized today that I really want this. I want to be healthy. Even when I felt hungry, I made good decisions instead of caving in like I usually do. Small victories, right? I haven't weighed yet. Maybe I will post it weekly. I'm still working on that one. Anyway, thanks for reading again today. Fat girl survived another day of good health! I'd jump for joy, but it might register on the Richter scale....

Reborn....

I am back, and I am better than ever! Have I lost all the weight? Nah. I actually gained it all back and then some. Did I hit the lottery? I wish. Am I through with college? Nope, still about 10 months to go. So why do I feel so damn happy? Because I have had an awakening. It is as if all the information I have taken in over the years is finally clicking together! I have this whole new understanding of my body, my mind, and my health. Where did this come from? I don't know. One morning it was just there. I feel free and happy, like I have never felt before! Screw diets and agony and shame! I refuse to put myself through that shit for one more minute! I now have an understanding of food and its purpose; I understand what my body needs. I hate to sound like a hippy, but after years of seeing food as the enemy, I am now one with my body's nutritional needs. Ok, that totally sounds like I just came off the hookah pipe. Let me put it a better way: I now have a clearer vision of what foods I need, what my body needs, and what I really can do without. The body is not unlike a car. It needs the right fuel to run properly. It needs maintenance. Healthy food is fuel. I have to put "fuel" in my "engine" to go anywhere, right? Well, putting junk food into my "engine" is like trying to run an actual car on something other than the proper fuel. I can put anything in my car's gas tank, but only gasoline will make it run. Just the same, I can put anything in my body's gas tank (my stomach), but only good healthy food will make it run properly. Junk food is not fuel. Soda is not fuel. Excess carbs, excess sodium, and saturated/trans fats are not fuel. Also, I have always based what I eat on tastes. Does it taste good? Is it cheesy or salty? Well, now I need to learn that taste should not be the deciding factor in what I consume. True, I want my food to taste good; but if I crave cheese I can get by with a low fat serving of real cheese (not that processed American crap) instead of downing an entire pizza. Yes, I have done that. With my head hung low in shame, I admit to scarfing down entire pizzas on my own. The thought of it makes me sick. So why did I do it? Because I was depressed, I was trying to soothe myself the only way I knew how, and I wanted the instant gratification of the cheesy gooeyness. I now understand that when we train ourselves to see a certain food as a reward, it releases serotonin in our brains. This is the so-called "happy chemical" that makes us feel good. My brain saw pizza as a way to boost my mood; however, after eating I always felt gross and fat. How did my mind try to boost my mood again? With junk food! It was a never ending cycle! Well, now I am breaking that cycle. I will retrain my brain to enjoy good food. I will not pollute my body with needless junk. I am starting anew. Do I want to get skinny? You bet I do. Is that my main focus these days? Certainly not. I want to be healthy. I want to lower my blood pressure before I end up on meds like my mom and my grandpa. I want to avoid diabetes, which runs on both sides of my family. I want to feel good in my skin. If I get skinny along the way, great. I just want to be healthy and happy! So, here I go again, only now I am on a new path. I do hope you will join me once more! :)


The first step is the hardest. My friends will see this. Here comes the brutal honesty: I weigh 262 lbs. There. I said it. It is out there for all to know. This is not the heaviest I have ever been, but it is close. I am only going down from here!

Belting it out......

First, let me say I am doing well. I am now down to 250 and I am still on track! That being said, I had a real "OMG" moment today. I have a loose pair of jeans that I love, so I dug out an old belt that I love to hold them up. I hadn't worn this belt in a few years, but it looks awesome. Well.....it no longer fits me. It is too small. It wouldn't even fasten! Talk about a wake up call! When you put on weight, you can play it off as muscle build up or you can claim that you "wear it well" or whatever. When your clothes don't fit, you can say they shrunk in the dryer or you are just bloated. Belts don't shrink. Belts go around you. When a belt doesn't fit, it is proof that you are bigger around. No wearing it well or bloat or what-have-you will justify an ill fit. You are bigger around. End of story. So, I am now fully aware of just how big I have gotten. My 1st huge goal is to be under 200 pounds. I have a new side goal: to fit into that belt again! I will do it! I will wear my belt again with pride!

Smooth sailing......

I am on to something new: smoothies. I love these things! They are healthy and totally easy to make. They taste so good you would swear they were junk food, but they are 100% nutritious. My personal mix is one banana, two mandarin oranges, one package of Weight Watchers white chocolate raspberry yogurt, and some ice. Voila! Fruity awesomeness! No, I am not particularly endorsing Weight Watchers. I just really like their white chocolate raspberry yogurt! Ok, so here is the caloric breakdown: yogurt - 100 calories, banana - 80 to 100 calories, mandarins - 32 calories each. So we have a total of about 264 calories of fruity goodness. It keeps me feeling full, and it is absolutely delicious. Also, it is thick, so it takes time to consume and that makes me feel more satisfied. It is some weird psychological thing, but if I can eat something quickly, like just a yogurt or some string cheese, it hardly feels like a snack and I tend to eat more. The smoothie takes time to drink, and my mind feels like I spent enough time on it to be satisfied. Minds are so strange! Anyway, this is my new favorite snack. I am still on the good road. Still losing weight. Now I have a sweet treat to enjoy on my journey! Mmmmmmm!

An apology to my body......

Dear body:

I am sorry for mistreating you for so many years. I want to apologize for eating shitty food and being lazy. You craved veggies and fruit; I gave you pizza. You thirsted for water; I drowned you in soda. You needed exercise; I sat on my fat ass and became weak. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when it seemed I had given up on you. I appreciate the fact that you didn't shut down and kill me for revenge. All these years of having to process all the crap I forced upon you must have been horrifying. I am so sorry! You deserve so much better. You are such an amazing work of art, and from now on you will be treated as such! No more junk or soda, only the goodness you crave. I will fill you with nutrients and energy, and I will build up your muscles again. I will do everything I can to give you back your healthy skin. I'm truly sorry about the stretch marks. You didn't deserve that. I will do my best to make them fade. I will get this weight off of you, and ease the stress I have put upon the bones and organs that somehow still thrive inside you. No longer will you be abused. I love you, and I want to take care of you. Please forgive me for the last couple of decades. Consider today a new beginning. You are loved, and you are wonderful, and I intend to treat you like royalty!

Sincerely,
the lazy, fat-ass human inhabiting you

Doing it, and doing it well......

I did it. I worked out today! Good lord, it felt GREAT!!!! True, my stamina will need to be rebuilt, but I felt awesome! I did 30 minutes of cardio and muscle building, then I walked for a bit. The walk was cut short due to rain, but it was still a good walk. I had forgotten how good it feels to do these things. I was also surprised at the energy I had. Being that my last workout was quite some time ago, I figured I would have great difficulty as I did when I first began. Not so! True, I wasn't as strong as I had been, but I wasn't exactly weak either! It feels good to be back on track. I predict I will shed those last 4 pounds before the end of this week. Then, I will be back on my way to my ultimate goal : 145 pounds. No more slip ups, I am ready to succeed! Let's go!

Still at it....

I was 251 this morning. Seems to be just melting away! Too bad it won't be so easy the entire time. I am going grocery shopping in a bit. I will try to make the best choices, and I plan to work out later today. Good thing I live close to a good hospital. Wish me luck! I am back on track and on my way to slimville....

Going...going.......

I was 252 this morning. Hoping that doesn't increase! I feel better, and I am only about 5 pounds away from where I was before my slip up. Awesome! I still haven't worked out, but I feel ready, so time willing I will do it this weekend! I am contemplating doing the unthinkable : I may try to go clothes shopping. Ugh! Never a favorite thing to do! But now I feel a little more confident, so I am curious to see how I react to trying on clothes. Should prove interesting. We shall see....

Back in the saddle!

Well, I slept in today and dammit I liked it!!!! Lol! But seriously...I was good and had a healthy breakfast. I weighed myself and amazingly I am down 4 pounds since Sunday! I had gained back to about 260, and today I am 256. Nice! Also, my waist is down to the smallest yet, which is 42 inches. Not small, but better than the dreaded 50-something inches I started out at so long ago. I am slowly climbing back up to where I was last month: 22 pounds down and counting. My set back took me back to 260, but at least I didn't blow up all the way back to 268! That would be so depressing! Anywho, I am now back on track and feeling better each day. I want to work out today, but unfortunately I have other commitments and won't have time. Tomorrow, though; tomorrow I plan to do my first workout in weeks. Here's to hoping I don't need CPR when I am through! Until then....

Round Two.....

Ok, so today I began eating like a good, healthy individual again. I think I have remained within that 1,000 to 1,200 calorie limit. I didn't workout yet, but one thing at a time! Jeeze, I just got back to eating healthy. Let me shave off about 5 or 10 pounds before I kill myself working out. As for the eating, I admit I have enjoyed my indulgences of late. Today I did feel a bit deprived and hungry, but I know that it is just my mind wanting me to snack. My body isn't hungry. Hell, I just finished off a great dinner of baked chicken, steamed veggies, and brown rice. So why do I feel hungry? Because my mind hates me. It thinks I need to be stuffing my face 24-7 to feel comfortable. I have to break this train of thought. I need to feel full and satiated after a good meal. I hope to feel better tomorrow, and by the end of the week I should be working out again. I hope. Here's to losing those stubborn 22 pounds....again...ugh...

And now, the let down.....

Failure. It is not a very nice thought. That is why I refuse to see this as a failure. True, I have strayed from my healthy plan. True, I have regained most of what I lost. However, I see it as a minor set back, not a failure. To deem it a failure means I have given up, which I have not. I just became weak minded and I let the stress of recent weeks take a toll on me. I have been somewhat depressed as of late, and all I want to do is nap and eat. Not healthy. I need to get my life back on track. Things are starting to even out and I can see through the stress to the other side. I have to keep pushing and get to that other side! The weather is nicer, the days getting longer, more time for me to workout and eat right. I must remain positive. I will do this. I am not a failure, but if I get down and give up, then fail, I have. Onward. Upward. Thinner. Healthier. Yeah.

Making progress.....

I have been such a shitty blogger as of late! I moved recently and failed to keep track of my battle on a daily basis. Well, I am back again. I did well, stress works wonders on a body. Ha. Seriously, though, I dropped 3 pounds during the move. I am now down to 246! I have lost 22 pounds! The other day, I got into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear in quite some time. I tried to wear them about 2 months ago, and they were so tight they literally bruised my abdomen. Now they fit just fine. I am so proud! I gained a few pounds back this past weekend due to my lovely time of the month, but it will be gone again in no time. Just water weight. Now, I made it to 20 pounds; let's keep trucking until I get to the 40 mark! Come on, let's go.....

What the....really?

I made an astounding discovery last night! Apparently, due to my healthy eating and new mind set, my body physically rejects pizza. Seriously! I decided to indulge last night and have a few slices of pizza. My dad was kind enough to give me a pizza he bought that he thought I may enjoy. Dads don't care about calories; they love to feed their kids good food. :) Anywho, I thought, "Well, I have been so good for so long, surely some pizza wouldn't hurt me." Was I wrong about that one. After I ate it, I felt kinda sick and bloated. I used to feel satisfied and happy when I had pizza. Now I felt yucky. The grease and cheese and pepperoni all combined in my stomach to make me feel horrible! How did I ever pig out on this stuff? Now it is unfathomable! I mean, seriously, I felt like shit! I still feel like shit! My body hates me at the moment. My stomach has felt messed up all morning. I guess all these years I saw pizza as my ally, my friend. Now I see that I was wrong, pizza is not good to my body. Maybe one slice is OK, but anything more and my body starts hating me! I don't blame it, either. Being able to step back and see my supposed "favorite" foods from a new perspective is kinda cool. It helps to understand how they really make me feel, instead of fooling myself into thinking I need them or they fulfill me. I can honestly say it now: I don't need pizza. I don't even think I like it half as much as I have always thought. I am getting to know my body a little better each day! Also, I am now down 18 pounds to 250! Awesomeness!

Away they go.....

Holy horse shit, Batman! I am down yet another pound! I weighed today and I am now 251! That is 17 pounds total so far. Not too shabby! I got quite a workout today. I cleaned out a storage building. You never know just how much shit you have until you go through storage. Hell, I found a favorite book that has been MIA since around 1990! Yup...I had A LOT of shit! Boxes and more boxes. I threw a lot of it away. It felt very liberating, freeing myself from the past! (now if I could just free myself from this back pain. ugh!) I may have overdone it today, but at least it was exercise! I am only 3 pounds from my first goal, which is to drop 20 pounds. I can feel it! I am almost there! It seemed like it would take forever, but I stuck with it and now I am on that proverbial "down slope"! What a great feeling! I am proud! If I can drop 20, then maybe I can find the strength and motivation to keep going until I drop 40, then 60, then 80, and maybe finally a total of 100 pounds, which is what I want to lose. I can do this! I WILL do this! I'm going to drop this weight, and I am taking you with me! Let's go! On to the next post!

Keeping on....

Awesome start to my day: I got on that scale and had lost yet another pound! That makes 16 so far! Someone asked me how much I weigh. Well, why not just lay it all out there? I am no longer ashamed because I am doing something to improve! I started at 268lbs and now I am down to 252lbs. I have quite a way to go, but I am determined to make it! On a side note, I wish I had the metabolism of a man. I have been losing weight, but with work and discipline. Since the start of the year I have dropped 16 pounds. My husband, without really trying, has dropped about 46 pounds in pretty much no time at all. I was very proud, and I love my hubby more than anything; but I was also like "WTF?" when he told me! Men don't have to try, I swear! I so much as think of junk food and I gain weight! He eats whatever and slims down. Go figure. I want a man's metabolism, dammit! Until medical science makes that possible, it is healthy food and exercise for me. Keep up the good work, y'all. See you in the next entry!

I'm Back!

Good grief! I thought I would never make it back! I was very sick for quite a while. I haven't worked out in about 2 weeks. I miss it! I plan to try to work out today. On the positive side, I maintained my healthy eating even though I was ill, and I am now down 15 pounds! Can you say awesome? I know that you can! I am proud of myself. Usually when I am sick, I see it as an opportunity to baby myself and indulge. Not this time. I kept to the healthy eating plan and my body actually seemed to heal a lot quicker than it has in the past. I did not indulge at all. OK, well...once. I had some mac-n-cheese. I only had a small amount, though. I think there is a rule somewhere that if you are sick, you have to have mac-n-cheese at least once! It was damn good, too! Other than that, I did well and impressed myself. Now, since I am all better, I need to get back to the workout. Imagine: if I lost about 6 pounds without exercise, think what I can do when I start up again! Sorry I was away so long. I am back now, so let's continue our journey! Until tomorrow...

I'm not dead.....

OK, I have been non-existent as of late. I have one hell of a cold, and my ass is being kicked at the moment. I am still eating right, just not exercising for fear I may cough myself to death. I refuse to give in and eat "comfort junk" due to my being sick! Making it harder is the lovely "time of the month" that is due this week. Great. Cravings, bloat, and a cold. Kill me now. Anyway, I am still here. 9 pounds down now. Sticking to the diet. I will be back in full swing soon! (I hope!)

Old age strikes again.....

Did I miss something? I think I forgot to post yesterday! Crap! This old age is sneaking up on me! Well, to recap, I was excellent. I am still eating properly. I even went out to lunch with a friend, and while she ordered unhealthy junk (like I used to), I ordered healthy food and drank water. One test down, many to go. What test? The friend test. See, I always felt I could eat what my friends ate because if they did it, what was the harm? I knew they wouldn't care if I cheated and had junk. They're my friends, they love me no matter what. It is very easy to slip up when your friends are there. I stood my ground and stuck to my healthy plan. Sure, she wouldn't have cared if I strayed, but I would. And I have to live with the aftermath, not her. So like I said, I passed that test! Also, I am still exercising. Still can't believe I am already down 8 pounds! This is great! I look forward to my workouts now. I crave vegetables. My god, I have been reborn. Lol...to the new me!

Hell Yes!!!!

I did excellent today! I ate well, Drank tons of water, exercised....and I am now down 8 POUNDS!!!! Holy shit! I was so happy I actually screamed! I feel good, no, GREAT. I am eating, I never feel starved, I have tons of energy. I am losing weight and it isn't agony! This is awesome! I am learning so much about health and food and my body. I am an idiot for not doing this sooner. This is the best I have ever felt. I didn't even wheeze once tonight during my workout. Not bad for a fatty, huh? Well on my way to being a former fatty! See you tomorrow!

Gah! I missed one!

OK, I didn't post in time, so this one will say Thursday, but it is really for Wednesday. I am proud of me today. I managed to keep with my healthy eating and exercise. I am learning more each day about why I over eat and why certain foods set me off. It isn't enough to change, you need to understand why. I am really learning how my body works and what I need to give it to make it work better. This is why diets never worked. Diets aren't enough. You have to understand your body and you have to understand food. I have been so blind to so many things. No wonder I am such a lard ass. I had blinders on! This journey is shaping up to be an interesting one. I finally feel like I am making a significant change. I am working for my health, instead of just trying to diet and hoping to be healthy. I finally feel like I am accomplishing something! We'll see what tomorrow brings. More exercise. Possible traction. But I am determined to get the hang of this exercise stuff. Catch you on the flip side...

(Who am I kidding? You can't flip a fat chick!)

Waisting away....

Today was so-so. I was a good girl. I ate breakfast! I had a bowl of some kind of fiber cereal that actually tasted OK. Most of them taste like shitty cardboard. As a snack, I had a slice of low fat bread with some healthy butter. Lunch was the customary tuna and steamed veggies. (the veggie/pasta from yesterday) I got a little stressed and resorted back to my binging ways. Fear not! I gorged myself on steamed veggies! Yes, I ate a whole plate full of broccoli, carrots, and cauliflower. I used to get stressed and binge on junk, but today I binged on healthy food. There was no guilt afterwards. I felt great! Finally, a loop hole! I can over eat, so long as it is done with veggies. Nice. I didn't get to work out today, and I actually felt bad about that. Things just got away with me today and there was no time. I suppose it is good to rest your muscles, though. No biggie. Oh, and by the way....I am already down 4 pounds! How awesome is that? This is starting to look as though it may work. We shall see. I feel great. I feel full. I feel happy!

All in all, a good day.....

Today was a very good day. OK, life wise, it was a hassle. Errands and paying bills, the usual grown-up stuff. But as far as my journey to good health, man I really knocked it out of the box! I missed breakfast (again) but instead of playing "catch up" with my calories, I simply downed a small bottle of milk while I was out and then I ate a healthy lunch when I got home. Milk helps settle my stomach if I am too busy to eat. Lunch was tuna and a half serving of steamed veggies and pasta. I ACTUALLY HALVED SOMETHING!!!! Normally I intend to only eat half, and then I end up gulping it all down. Healthy or not, if you overindulge on any food it takes a toll. Not today! I put the veggie/pasta in two different containers, and one went immediately into the fridge for tomorrow! Out of sight, out of mind. Funny, my usual way would have been to eat all the veggie/pasta....but after eating just half and giving it a few minutes, I realized I was full. I really have been gorging myself. Yuck. After my lunch settled, I did that workout again. I wanted to do it twice, but my body said absolutely not. Oh well. I did it once, and I feel great! Seriously. I do! I feel tired, and I have muscles aching that I didn't even know existed....but I feel great. I used to think happiness was a squishy couch and a bag of chips, or a whole pizza, or Taco Bell. Now I see the truth: it was instant gratification, but I felt like shit later. By eating healthy and working out, I feel great and the feeling goes on. I couldn't feel good long or brag about sitting on my fat ass gobbling junk. I can feel good and brag about eating right and working out. I like this! I had an epiphany, I suppose. I should eat to give my body fuel so I can get better at my workouts. I shouldn't eat to find comfort or to reward myself. Yeah, I know. This isn't exactly news to the world. People have been saying this for years. I guess I just had to learn it for myself. Isn't that always the case? Why does life have to be so complicated? Oh well. Lesson learned. I did well today. I "decided, committed, and succeeded." OK, so I "wheezed and collapsed" too....but I didn't vomit. Onward and upward....

The workout....sort of....

OK, so I didn't do too bad today. I think I ate too much. Some sandwiches, some leftovers....kinda blew it today. I did get some exercise, though. For one, I cleaned house. That is a good way to burn some calories. In the average woman, one hour of cleaning burns about 500 I think. So, adjusting the margin for a woman of my size, I'd say I probably burned about 23. Yay. Isn't it great to be hefty? The average women who don't need to lose weight are burning off calories left and right. Meanwhile, if I so much as sniff a bran muffin I gain 5 pounds. Life is cruel. On the plus side(no pun intended), I discovered a new workout today. No more slow paced beginner crap for me! No, I found a more fast paced cardio/ab kind of thing. The fact that I am able to write this lets you know I survived, although not by much. Good lord. I was Ms. Motivation at the start....and Ms. Dear-hell-I-can't-breathe about 30 minutes later. Those DVDs need to be more honest. The beginning showed a motto: "Decide. Commit. Succeed." Made my chest swell with pride and intention. What it should have also said was, "Wheeze. Collapse. Vomit." That would have at least prepared me for what was to come. No matter! I am determined! Hopefully in a week I won't feel like hot death after the workout. I love to work out, but my body disagrees with me. We have a long battle ahead. Me against my fat and atrophied muscles. I may go down, but at least I'll go down swinging! Or hyperventilating. Or lapsing into a coma. Time will tell....

One of those days.....

OK, so here I am at the end of day two. Did I exercise? No. But I also didn't over eat. At least, I don't think I did. Well...maybe I did. I actually slept in, so I missed breakfast. Then I was busy and didn't eat lunch. I had like a glass of soda and that is it. So when I made dinner tonight, I used that handy old fat girl logic: "I didn't eat a thing all day, so I can indulge now with no guilt." Yeah, right. So I saved up all 1200 allotted calories today. I most likely consumed 2000 or more at dinner. Why do I always do that? Just because I skipped a meal or two doesn't mean I should scarf down a linebacker's serving for dinner. Now I get to go to bed in a little while feeling like I have a brick in my stomach. Ugh. I am such a dumb ass. I don't recommend skipping meals, but when I miss one I shouldn't make up for it later. I should just consider myself slightly ahead of the game. But instead I have to go all "fat hog" and eat like there's no tomorrow. Well, maybe now is the time to learn from my mistakes. Tomorrow, I plan to begin my exercise regimen. Again. For real this time. Therefore, I may be making my next post from a traction bed. We'll see. Until then....

As I waddle to the starting line.....

Hefty. Husky. Pudgy. FAT! Yup, that would be me. I wasn't always this way. I mean, I was never a size 2; but I was atheletic at some point. I danced, played sports, looked good in my clothes. So what happened? Some people have medical issues, some have psychological issues. Not me. I just got lazy. I like to eat and I got lazy. I quit smoking and replaced nicotine with food. I was too lazy to learn an effective way to deal with stress other than eating. No one admits that these days. No one says they are lazy; everyone has some other reason. Everyone seems to blame society or their spouse or their ex or their parents, etc. Nope, I am just plain old lazy. I got fat because I chose food and relaxation over being healthy. I used to enjoy sports. Now I enjoy sitting on my couch sucking down Doritos. At one time I was a terrific dancer on a championship team. Now I get winded checking the mail. For godsake I wear my husband's clothes because mine don't fit anymore! The other day some kid mistook me for a man. I have lost my femininity! I look like hot mess. I have rolls, stretch marks, back fat. BACK FAT. (dear hell!) I don't like being fat, so why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do any of us? For you, it may be something deep and debilitating. I wish you luck with that. For me, it is just a lack of motivation. So now I have decided to try to get motivated. You can come with me if you want. I don't mind. Just be prepared for honesty. I am well past the point of sugar coating things for myself. I used to say "Oh, I'm just retaining water." or "I still look ok to be so big." Well, now I see myself as others do. It took a lot of years to be able to do that. I no longer wear the blinders that allow me to see myself as I was 10 years ago. No, now I see the fat me. The REAL me. I am fat, frumpy, lazy, and kind of disgusting. No, don't correct me. Don't tell me to "love myself" or any of that crap. I DO love myself; that is why I have to be honest. I'm all for tough love, not watered down sympathetic bullshit. I am fat. I look terrible. I feel like hammered shit. I need to change. I don't need to find the "strength within"; I need to find the skinny person that is trapped under all this fat! Like the blog title says, I'm in here somewhere. It is time to get real. It is time to get my fat ass up off that couch and stop making excuses. It is time to pay attention to what I eat and how much and why. I have been battling my weight for years. I have always been unsuccessful. Until now. I am fed up. I am tired of hating my body. I am ready to wage war against my laziness. I can do this. Game on!